Michael Irvin:
Subject: tips from George CostanzaTips for 'working hard' from George Costanza . . words to live by.1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. Peoplewith documents in their hands look like hardworking employees headingfor important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look likethey're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in theirhands look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sureyou carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating thefalse impression that you work longer hours than you do.2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it lookslike "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personale-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast withoutdoing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly thesocietal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution wouldlike to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claimyou're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuabletraining dollars.3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For therest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build hugepiles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year'swork looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pilethem high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle,bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack andrummage for it when he/she arrives.4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. Peopledon't call you just because they want to give you something fornothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That'sno way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebodyleaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it lookslike you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being adevious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screeningincoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, thiswill greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or lookfor a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mailmessage you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care ofit". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages itcan hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to dothat is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long,send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recordedmessage that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign thatyou are a hardworking employee in high demand.5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, oneshould also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give yourbosses the impression that you are always busy.6. Appear to Work Late.Always leave the office late, especially whenthe boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks thatyou always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving.Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send importante-mails at unearthly hours (e.g., 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and duringpublic holidays.7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many peoplearound, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
(Thu Aug 10, 2000 - 10:42:57 am)
