3015
Myk Murphy:
a mopar slant 6? sweet. my older siblings had a '74 Duster with that engine. immortal engine, really. pretty fuel efficient, too. a belated hello... another busy day. it's like i now have a real job with deadlines and stuff.
(Tue Jun 18, 2002 - 9:48:47 pm)
Hee hee:
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS - The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.
"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"
The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.
According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.
"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."
"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.
"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."
Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.
"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."
Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.
"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."
(Tue Jun 18, 2002 - 10:02:24 pm)
Chewing Wax:
Yeh. That was in The Onion eight months ago
(Tue Jun 18, 2002 - 11:30:30 pm)
Queenie:
So these friends of mine are moving and their house is going up for rent, and it's got like 4 bedrooms and a huge basement, yard, deck, fireplace, and a view of the entire city and Mt. Hood, and it's up in the West Hills which is where the richest folks in Portland live, and it's only $800 a month!!!!! It's so cheap because it's right under an enormous radio tower... but hell, what's a little brain cancer when you're talking 4 rooms with a view!?! Anyway they're looking for a family to recommend to their landlord, but they'll probably require first and last and all of that.
(Tue Jun 18, 2002 - 11:55:18 pm)
Queenie:
It's only $50 more a month than this craphole duplex, and there's no skater bars up there. Just the humming of the giant tower.
(Tue Jun 18, 2002 - 11:56:03 pm)
Chewing Wax:
Go for it!
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 8:09:11 am)
Heruka:
Yowsa!
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 8:35:38 am)
Heruka:
I've recently seen an ad that offered warm rock massages. I cannot remember where I've seen it. Sounds nice. I need a massage. My muscles are tense, my body is stiff.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 8:43:49 am)
Chewing Wax:
Good morning.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 9:20:41 am)
Irony:
the richest folks in Portland
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 9:48:29 am)
Irony:
only $50 more a month than this craphole
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 9:49:22 am)
Irony:
and a view of the entire city and Mt. Hood.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 9:55:39 am)
Irony:
what's a little brain cancer
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 10:00:55 am)
bela:
So Queenie shows up after hours.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 10:46:11 am)
:
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 11:11:56 am)
bela:
where did everyone go?
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 11:50:09 am)
Myk Murphy:
Hello, all. Take the new house! The radio tower is harmless. Mostly.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 11:57:15 am)
Myk Murphy:
Hi bela.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 11:58:44 am)
:
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:03:06 pm)
bela:
Hi.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:16:34 pm)
Major Bill Smith:
I have a 40 pound colon, possibly Elvis', sitting here ready to go if somebody wants it. Any takers?
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:22:20 pm)
:
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:27:18 pm)
:
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:48:12 pm)
:
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:52:16 pm)
:
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 12:56:08 pm)
Chewing Wax:
Hello. I had to go out to West Seneca and do some damage. All is well.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:15:04 pm)
Heruka:
Hello. Is this your damage? Or Decoys? I have a job interview next Tuesday.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:17:50 pm)
Chewing Wax:
Food service or house keeping?
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:22:50 pm)
:
Burger King?
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:28:33 pm)
Heruka:
Would you like fries with that?
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:49:05 pm)
Chewing Wax:
You're a natural.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:51:06 pm)
Heruka:
I'll be the 400# person making the food. 'One for them, two for me'. I did work at a KFC when I was a teenager. That was enough for me.
(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:52:45 pm)
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(Wed Jun 19, 2002 - 1:56:44 pm)