TURBO MUST DIE! Champion bull doomed in $10 million sperm bomb sacrifice at famous sporting club By Raoul Duke The WORLD-FAMED WOODY CREEK Rod and Bun Club will host a combined bull-sperm auction and prize animal sacrifice Jan. 26-27, in conjunction with the annual Unlimited Class Firepower Demonstration at the club's secluded Bomb and Blasting Range on unpaved dead-end Lenado Road in upper Woody Creek. The even was announced by press spokesman Semmes Luckett and immediately hailed by local cattlemen as "heroically brilliant" and "a masterpiece of understated genius." The unprecedented sperm auction is expected to attract exotic cattle breeders from all over the world and climax with a record-setting $10 million sale bid for the sperm of Grand National Champion breeding bull "Turbo," who will die in a spectacular "sacrifice explosion" at the end of the auction ceremony personally performed by the bull's owner, Woody Creek rancher George Stranahan, who says he will donate all profits from the historic auction/sacrifice of his prize animal to the club's prestigious Bomb Research Endowment Fund. Stranahan, a nuclear research physicist and dominant breeder of the ancient Limosin beef line, is the famed sporting club's vice-president for experimental explosions and a ranking expert in bull marketing strategies. His neo-priceless Limosin strain dates back 20,000 years to the Bull worship Era in the Limosges province of France, when bulls allegedly ruled the world. Stranahan, a misogynistic recluse whose personal fortune has been estimated at $44 billion, said the public will not be invited to the bizarre auction/sacrifice and "if any intruders are captured, they will be chained to the neck of the doomed bull at dot-zero in the bomb area and will never be seen again." The auction, he said, will beg in with a catered lunch of wild lichen and gallbladders of recently killed bears -- and will end only after a limited edition of one thousand vials of the prize bull's sperm are sold off to bidders at no less than $10,000 each. "I feel wonderful about this thing," Stranahan said. "It's the smartest idea I ever had. With one jerk on the fuse puller, we will finalize Turbo's price at $10 million and then blow him to smithereens." The guest list of profoundly wealthy bidders expected to attend the event, said Luckett, "was top secret until yesterday,Ó when a disgruntled animal rights activist revealed the names of Donald Trump, publisher Rupert Murdoch, Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia, U.S. Secretary of State James Baker, and actor Jack Nicholson, a longtime member of the defiantly secretive club and a vocal defender of its frequently criticized traditions. Membership in the Woody Creek Rod and Gun Club is so exclusive that no list of members is believed to exist, and the name of the club's president has never been revealed. Members communicate with each other by code names, and monthly gatherings are shrouded in secrecy and conducted in what spokesman Luckett described as "effectively utter darkness." "Many of the 222 members are prominent and extremely beautiful women," he said, and "privacy is our dominant ethic." "Loose lips are sealed quickly," he added, "by fire and other methods, which we will never admit or explain." -- Woody Creek, 1989 |
